you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
