Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
