Define "chronic" masturbator.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize