Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
