I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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