You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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