I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize