I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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