oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
