Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
