I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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