I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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