Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
