my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
