It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
