you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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