I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
