ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
