I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Randomize
