my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
