Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
