if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
