You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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