He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
