I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
