One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
