you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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