i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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