Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
