I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
