My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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