Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
