I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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