I wish my penis had an off switch
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
