He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
