Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
