i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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