I puked a lego.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Someone came in the potted fern
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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