i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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