i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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