You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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