Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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