What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
