and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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