i already hear my dad disowning me
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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