Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
