You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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