omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
