I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize