i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
