sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
