I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Randomize
