if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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