If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
