If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
