When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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