is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
