Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
this boner is exhausting
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize