how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
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