Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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