I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
