Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I need to stop coming to work sober
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
