Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
it hurts more in the daytime
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
